A Marriage and a Shart…. Two of my Favorite Things

On my way home from work today, I called a girlfriend that I’ve been playing phone tag with for about 2 months.  She recently went through a breakup and I haven’t been able to talk with her about it, except for brief text messages, so I really just wanted to catch up.  She picked up the phone…HALLELUJAH!  This girlfriend will remain anonymous due to the nature of the phone call.

“Yes!  Finally!  We need to catch up…what’s new?”

She says, “Well actually, a lot is new.  I have big news.  Are you sitting down?”

“Yes, I’m sitting down, I’m driving.”

“Well pull over.”

She’s giggling a little so I know this isn’t bad news.  I’m confident I can handle it while driving, so I’m like, “JUST SPILL IT.”

“I got married.”

“What?!?!  No you didn’t.   Married to whom????”  I’m so confused.


“Who the HELL is Pierce?!?!”

This is not the long-term boyfriend she just broke up with, and I have never heard of this person before…. then I remember what day today is.  “Oh, it’s April Fools Day.”

“No… well, yes… it is April Fools Day, but this is not a joke.”

“Why do I have to call YOU to find out you’re MARRIED?”

“I’m sorry, my mom doesn’t even know yet.  I’m going to tell her tomorrow.”

“OMG… Who is Pierce?? Have I ever heard of him before??  Didn’t you just break up with J??, and a;lkdfja;ldkfgja;ldsfja;ldskfjas;dlfjka;”

“Well I met him briefly about three years ago when I was in Tahoe WITH J, but hadn’t spoken to him since.  I saw him again 6 weeks ago while I was out there with friends, right after I broke up with J…..we fell in love, I flew to Virginia to meet his family, and then we eloped.”

“So basically, you’ve known him for 6 weeks, and now you’re married.”


“Okay, well I’m kinda pissed.  I just found out you were single a few weeks ago, I had single girls night plans for us, now all of a sudden you’re married to someone I’ve never even heard of.”

“I’m sorry… but you’re gonna love him.  He’s coming out here next Friday.  I’m gonna pick him up from the airport, bring him to Hoboken, we’re all gonna go out, and then we’re gonna sleep over.”

O…..M…..G…… this is a lot of information to take in during one phone call.

She says, “He’s here right now.  What’s your email, we’re sending you wedding photos.  Oh, and he’ll request you on Facebook.  And can I share your blog with him?….  Where can I find your Bachelor audition video?  I want to show him that too.”

“You’re nuts.  This is all crazy.  I hope you know that.  But I guess I’m okay with it.”

“Okay good… we are totally in love, we’re perfect for each other, and you’re gonna love him.”

We make plans for next weekend, and for a future girls’ night, because my head is sort of spinning with all of this new information, and then I say goodbye.  Then I realize…whoops.  “WAIT WAIT WAIT….”


“I forgot to say…. Congratulations!”

“Thank you!  Love you!”

We hang up…. I’m like WTF just happened?   Then my phone rings.  Another one of my BFFs.

“Court!  I have a story for you.  Something really embarrassing just happened, I haven’t told anyone and I need to tell someone!”

I’m not sure if I can handle another story…. but….”okay, what?”

“I sharted in my pants today at work!”

“OMG… are you serious??”

“Yeah, I had coffee without eating, I felt a rumbling in my stomach, let out a little toot, and then I was like ‘uhhhhh I think that’s a little more than I thought it was going to be.’ So I had to throw out my underwear in the trash and I haven’t been wearing underwear all day.”

“Are you wearing pants?”

“Yes, I’m wearing pants…. but I was SO close to wearing a skirt today.”

“Oh geez…. okay well thanks for calling.  This was my second entertaining phone call of the day.”

“I had to tell someone, and you were the first person who came to mind.”

I guess I’m honored.  Okay, yeah, I’m totally honored.  I got the shart phone call.  Out of everyone she could have called, she chose me.  Love you, girlonthecouch!


Gossip Girl


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. mom
    Apr 09, 2013 @ 09:38:45

    Did you meet K’s hubby? What did you think of him?


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